Middle-age, single, never been married man says, “I love to decorate, collect art and walk my dog in the park.”

Translation – I’m gay.

Woman with no picture on dating site says, “I’m thick in all the right places.”

Translation – I’m fat as a pig.

Man tells his guy friends, “My dick is huge.”

Translation – My dick is beyond small.

After five-minute sex woman says, “I had the best orgasm I’ve ever had.”

Translation – That was the worst sex I’ve ever had in my life.