Ex – You have a small penis

Me – Maybe, but you still let me poke you weekly for the entire 6 months we dated.

Ex – You sucked in bed.

Me – Oh well. I enjoyed banging you. Also enjoyed banging the women I slept with behind your back.

Ex – I can do better than you.

Me – Really? Apparently not, because you dated me.

Ex – None of my friends liked you.

Me – Mostly true. But your friend Lisa was great at giving head.

Ex – My family didn’t like you.

Me – I would love to see your younger hot sister in a thong.

Ex – I never did love you.

Me – I didn’t love you. I enjoyed the free apartment and sex.