I decided not to take the full two weeks off. Nothing makes me happier than making people laugh. Liz, who I wrote about in my last article, is now out of my life completely. I hold no ill feelings toward her what so ever. After a lot of thinking I finally realize that she and I are not made for each other. Even as friends we don’t click. It sucks in a lot of ways. Mainly because I care deeply for her, more than she’ll ever understand. It takes two people to make anything work, whether it’s a relationship or even a friendship.
A few years back very few people knew me well. I kept things to myself besides a few close friends. Now I am more open. I have found out being honest with people never hurts. I told people about Liz and me. These people all had different advice. One thing was clear. Nothing I do for Liz is ever going to matter. She has to change and be happy on her own. Other words, “Mike, you need to worry about you and not her. You have done all you can for her. Nothing you do is ever going to work.” And they are right. I can’t win with this girl.
Liz hasn’t changed a bit. She still has money issues. There’s no reason for this. She is college educated and has a good job. I won’t put her down on here by saying why she doesn’t have money. She’s been in and out of court for things I won’t say here. Sadly, I highly doubt she has moved away from that part of her life as much as she claims. I hope I am totally wrong though. I’ve never met someone that hates herself as much as she does. It’s sad. It even affects me.
I won’t sit here and lie, and claim I was always an angel to her. I loved her and still do a great deal. Nor will I brag about things I’ve done for her. To me, Liz is beautiful. She’s a lot of fun, smart and deep down inside, very sweet. She pretends to be tough. She’s not. She’s weak and scared of everything good life has to offer. That is the main reason she and I have never worked out. Even her brother who hates me told me I was the right guy for her if she would ever see it. But that’s not up for him or me to decide.
No matter what I do, I am compared to people I’m not. She will compare me to an ex. She loves to tell me and her girlfriends I’m a control freak. That is funny since she went out with her girls nearly every Monday when she and I dated. I was always in bed asleep. She went to a bachelorette party while I was in bed without a single worry. Yet she will date a man who won’t allow her to drink or go out three times as long as she gave me a chance. Yet I’m the control freak. I could sit here all day and tell you things about me I know she lied about. But I won’t.
This past Tuesday I hung out with two friends, Steve and Josh. Steve got there first. He actually knew Liz. I told him all about the Saturday I had spent with Liz. Steve told me that I’m fighting a winless battle. Josh read the other article I had wrote about Liz. Josh told me he agrees with all I said. He told me to just forget her. He made it clear that Liz has to make up her own mind to do well in life. Both told me to stop trying. Yet there was a part of me that was like “No, you can’t,” so I didn’t quit there.
I told my boss about everything that took place. I told him some things she had told me. He pretty much told me that while I mean well, I need to get out while I can. He told me the only person that’s going to get burn is me. Just because she is down, why should I let her bury me also? Once again I told myself no and was willing to keep trying with her.
While in the gym Wednesday, I ran into one of my favorite people at work, a guy named Ron. I trust Ron so I told him more details about Liz and me. I told him some very personal things about her. I told him what I was thinking and what I feel toward her. Ron clearly saw how much I care. Then he said something I will never forget. It changed my mindset. He said, “Mike, my wife is a Drug and Alcohol Counselor. She has told me many times, I only wish these people cared as much about their own lives as I do for them. If they did, they could change.” It didn’t hit me right then and there. After a shower and a few hours being at home, it did.
The main reason I wouldn’t walk away from Liz was because I felt like I would be turning my back on her. I felt like she would see me like everyone else that has done her wrong. She probably still will. Here’s the thing, I’m not turning my back on her. I’ve done all I can. If she doesn’t realize my love for her, she never will. If she can’t trust me, she never will. In truth, Liz is turning her back on me. There’s nothing I can do for her.
Liz tells me and people I once saved her life. I have at least saved her from rape, maybe twice if you count last Saturday. I may or may not have saved her life. I’ve never lied to her about my feelings. I have let her walk all over me only to always be there for her. She has cried on my shoulder countless times since I was 16. I have held her and put her to sleep by playing with her hair no telling how many times. I have made slow love to her while looking her in the eyes confessing my love to her. Ron’s wife is right. It sucks she doesn’t care about herself as much as I do.
Some may ask why we can’t be friends. I could write for hours on that topic. Here’s a short and simple answer. Liz treats me just as bad when she and I are just friends. She lies and only contacts me when she needs something. If people ditch her, Liz knows me. I’ve always been a time-filler and nothing more. I accept that. Like I’ve been saying above, I’ve done all I can. Nothing will ever make her happy. Our friendship is a one way street. I put all the effort into it while she uses me for personal gain.
I have no hard feelings. It sucks that two people with so much in common can’t be more than two passing faces in life. It hurts that someone you deeply care for and always have cared for, doesn’t feel the same. Liz has never felt the same toward me. These past two weeks really taught me that. That’s why I am done. I’m sick of feeling bad and stupid after I put so much effort into what I believe the right thing is. Don’t get me wrong, I will always care for her somewhere deep down inside. But I deserve better. I do deserve people who truly care for me.
In life you win some, and you lose some. I’ve done all I can with this chapter of my life. Things worry me about her. I just wonder will Liz keep making bad decisions in life. Sometimes I think I will see her death in the newspaper due to her stupidity. I always worry if that does happen, will I blame myself for it? Here’s the thing. I can’t change her. I can’t make her life better. Only she can. I wish I could, but there’s nothing left for me to do. All I can do now is move on and somewhere deep in my heart love and hope the best for her.